, 2022 edition!

In 2020 I watched 239 movies.
In 2021 I watched another 391,
for a total of 650 movies since very early into first lockdown.

That's probably all the movies, right?


Shoot, I found more movies.

Let's start with something just as topical as last year's first one, #1, or #651, 1973's "Soylent Green."

It's the year 2022...

#2, #652, we Cage ever onwards, it's 2009's "Knowing."

But do I Know what this is about? I've Know idea.

#3, #653, I gotta get back to these, it's 1938 Best Picture nominee "Four Daughters."

This is before the 80s, when Hollywood perfected the "two schmucks with a bad idea" formula, so they've overshot to "four daughters."

#4, #654, we Cage ever onwards, it's 2009's "The Bad Lieutenant - Port of Call: New Orleans."

An unwieldy title like that doesn't... traditionally... mean... good things.

#5, #655, we Cage ever onwards, with another one I'd never put on without a reason, but in a completely different way, it's 2009's "G-Force," about a team of highly trained guinea pig spies.

#6, #656, we Cage ever onwards with another celebrity voice cast children's cartoon, it's 2009's "Astro Boy," in which he voices... the professor?

#7, #657, we Cage ever onwards, with 2010's "Kick-Ass."

Saw it when it came out, but I can't imagine it's aged... particularly gracefully.


#8, #658, one of only two Taika Waititis I haven't seen, 2010's "Boy."

"Now, who's heard of the plague."

never heard of such a thing

👦 "Boy" (2010) 

"I'm your dad."

existence of Boy implies existence of Man

👦 "Boy" (2010) 

"Don't get into the Nazi stuff."

timeless advice from Man

👦 "Boy" (2010) 

"It's not really a gang, there's only three of them."

Huey, Dewey, and Louie considering expansion to an East Coast franchise

👦 "Boy" (2010) 

way better than "Eagle vs Shark," a huge step up

the meandering feels deliberate now instead of just not quite having a grasp on structure

#9, #659, we Cage ever onwards, it's 2010's "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." Which you'd think would have Mickey Mouse in it, but it doesn't.

"[Merlin] taught his secrets to three trusted apprentices. [...] He should have trusted only two."

classic mistake

though of course it's also possible to overshoot in the other direction, *looks at the Sith and their silly Rule of Two*

🎩 "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

you can tell this first bit is set before 9/11 because this kid thinks it's cool to imagine planes getting very close to major NYC landmarks

:cage: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

oh it's Cage's birthday today

of course, I celebrate year-round

:cage: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

"The truth is, you have a very special gift."

yeah that rad dragon ring, great present

:cage: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

"Clear your mind!"

i mean i can't clear my mind when a dragon ISN'T chasing me

:cage: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

Cage disguises himself as a cop in a surprise "It Could Happen To You" wizard AU

:cage: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

Alfred Molina is also in this as the evil wizard and he's obviously also cool as hell

:cage: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

"Are you stalking me?"
"Not in a /threatening/ way..."

so no storage locker full of your exes' monopoly boards, got it

:cage: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" (2010) 

there's no way that giant metal bird reaches speeds even in the same ballpark as a plane, they'll be in France somewhere next week

#10, #660, we Cage ever onwards with 2011's "Season of the Witch," which I'm pretty sure is about the Plague, no, not that one, the other one.

no way is this ever gonna be the best movie with that title when "Halloween 3" exists

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

witch hunts kinda still what people do, you just can't get away with the hangings and the drownings and the burnings so much any more

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

really selling the crusades as "300" for conservative america here

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

doing crusades at people who've "sinned against Christ" is the 1334 AD equivalent of yelling online about what the american founding fathers would think of our horrible cellular telephones

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

coming home from crusades only to find there's plague going on, fml

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

Cage does at least immediately mask up, A+, now wash your fucking hands

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

some of these locals have chainmail masks, might as well lick a hospital bathroom

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

"What is it, Debelzaq?"

debelzaq deez nuts

:cage: "Season of the Witch" (2011) 

"You call that a bridge?"

looks to me more like an action scene

#11, #661, 2010's "MacGruber" because I wanna know if I should bother with that show they just dropped.

Not at all familiar with the SNL sketches, I really only started paying attention to SNL in 2015, 2016.

(MacGruber, exactly like MacGyver, except he's a Will Forte character,,,)

💣 "MacGruber" (2010) 

just some casual homophobia

2010, man

💣 "MacGruber" (2010) 

"I'm sorry, but two people don't make a team."
"But three do."

no that's a crowd

💣 "MacGruber" (2010) 

you know

not a lot of actual MacGyvering going on here

💣 "MacGruber" (2010) 

you know, i have quite a lot of patience for dumb bullshit, but

#11, #662, Netflix has been pushing me to watch whatever the fuck 1991's "Hudson Hawk" is, so whatever, let's watch whatever the fuck 1991's "Hudson Hawk" is.

"He was known as the Hudson Hawk."

guess it's about this guy

the first number in this subthread should clearly have been #12 but i'm not fixing it

🦅 "Hudson Hawk" (1991), food 

a thermos full of spaghetti seems like something Italians would get mad about

🦅 "Hudson Hawk" (1991), food 

just let this man have his cappuccino for fuck's sake

🦅 "Hudson Hawk" (1991) 

not saying this is a masterpiece or nothin' but there's no way this was appreciated at the time

*looks at wikipedia* yeah everyone hated it

🦅 "Hudson Hawk" (1991) 

nothin' wrong with an hour and a half of solid violent slapstick that knows what it is

dudes rock

🦅 "Hudson Hawk" (1991), food 

"Can I buy you a cappuccino?"

fuckin finally

Just found out there's a "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) and I have to know, I have to know how they get there!

#13 or #663.

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

This title sequence sure is implying that right after the first one they steal Bernie's corpse and go around the country with it.

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

Bernie Lomax's dead corpse status: In the NYC morgue.

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

"A hundred thousand for a voodoo queen, isn't that a bit excessive?"

oh no

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

what the fuck

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

two new schmucks are in the Virgin Islands to see a voodoo queen

about resurrecting Bernie Lomax


💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

the old schmucks are still around, they just got fired from the company they caught Bernie's fraud at

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

bernie lomax lives

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

well, lives, he's a voodoo zombie who walks in the general direction of where the money is hidden

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

the new schmucks have lost Bernie (they got on the subway, somebody stole the jukebox that was animating Bernie, they ran after the thief, forgetting Bernie, who was returned to the morgue)

the old schmucks have acquired Bernie (snuck into morgue, stole him)

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

I'd probably travel to an island to get Bernie's money out of a safe deposit box but I probably would not steal Bernie (a corpse) and take him on a plane so I could pretend he's alive to take the money out of the safe deposit box

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

Bernie Lomax moving on his own, fucked up if true.

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

"He's a great dancer!"

brenda he's dead

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

do love watching Bernie Lomax get absolutely bodied

💀🌴 "Weekend at Bernie's II" (1993) 

Bernie Lomax dead corpse status: walking in a parade, attended to only by the two new schmucks, who've been transformed into goats

and that's where it ends

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