fuck me, this is live-action??

(well with animated guinea pigs)

i thought it was a cartoon

Cage might be in this with his face and be a mole in the other way.

nope he's voicing a mole

he's doing a whole... nasal thing

don't make the penelope cruz guinea pig sexy please i'm begging you, nope, that's a sexy guinea pig

you can tell Bill Nighy is the villain because he's inventing the internet of things

what a piece of shit

This is not as bad as I was expecting, but, like, the Cage bar is pretty low when I've seen Primal, Deadfall, Zandalee.

[they're in a cat carrier]

PENELOPE CRUZ GUINEA PIG: "What do you think, is this the frying pan? Or the fire!!"

you all have opposable thumbs, you broke into a house twenty minutes ago

alright who taught the guinea pigs about the geneva convention, and, more important question, would it even apply to them

the Cage mole pretended to be dead to get out of the pet store they've been dumped in and was immediately thrown into the back of a garbage truck, so that's Cage outta the picture until an inevitable third-act reveal

"I only wanted to be the biggest appliance manufacturer in the world!"

and he would-a gotten away with it too if weren't for these blasted guinea pigs

"I can't believe the mole... was the mole!"

lmao

Astro Boy is not a franchise I think about at all, I have no idea what reputation this has.

Oops! Boy Incinerated!

when your boy is dead, you simply make a new, more metal boy

that's just what you do

Hold on, he's called HAMEGG? I though they were saying Hammock. ...Which doesn't make more sense, no.

I think it's just two Croods movies and Teen Titans Go! To The Movies after this or I'd genuinely consider skipping Cage's voice work in kids' movies, he's barely in them and what's even the point if it's just his voice.

Very functional, hard to say anything particularly positive or negative about this.

#7, #657, we Cage ever onwards, with 2010's "Kick-Ass."

Saw it when it came out, but I can't imagine it's aged... particularly gracefully.

Though even at the time, it's not like Mark Millar's and Matthew Vaughn's worst instincts combined made a particularly great sandwich.

But Cage is great here, obviously.

so the pitch here is, "superheroes in the real world" but 25 minutes in the dude has metal bones and can't feel pain

like with those Kingsman movies, the hyperviolence is all honestly very enjoyable, well choreographed, well shot, fun stuff, all with the personality of somebody who just really wants to call you slurs

kind of incredible that this was made at the exact last moment myspace was relevant to anyone alive

aged better'n I was expecting but I guess that's cuz, like

matt vaughn is still making movies exactly like this

#8, #658, one of only two Taika Waititis I haven't seen, 2010's "Boy."

"Now, who's heard of the plague."

never heard of such a thing

"I'm your dad."

existence of Boy implies existence of Man

"Don't get into the Nazi stuff."

timeless advice from Man

"It's not really a gang, there's only three of them."

Huey, Dewey, and Louie considering expansion to an East Coast franchise

way better than "Eagle vs Shark," a huge step up

the meandering feels deliberate now instead of just not quite having a grasp on structure

#9, #659, we Cage ever onwards, it's 2010's "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." Which you'd think would have Mickey Mouse in it, but it doesn't.

"[Merlin] taught his secrets to three trusted apprentices. [...] He should have trusted only two."

classic mistake

though of course it's also possible to overshoot in the other direction, *looks at the Sith and their silly Rule of Two*

you can tell this first bit is set before 9/11 because this kid thinks it's cool to imagine planes getting very close to major NYC landmarks

oh it's Cage's birthday today

of course, I celebrate year-round

"The truth is, you have a very special gift."

yeah that rad dragon ring, great present

"Clear your mind!"

i mean i can't clear my mind when a dragon ISN'T chasing me

Cage disguises himself as a cop in a surprise "It Could Happen To You" wizard AU

Alfred Molina is also in this as the evil wizard and he's obviously also cool as hell

"Are you stalking me?"
"Not in a /threatening/ way..."

so no storage locker full of your exes' monopoly boards, got it

there's no way that giant metal bird reaches speeds even in the same ballpark as a plane, they'll be in France somewhere next week

#10, #660, we Cage ever onwards with 2011's "Season of the Witch," which I'm pretty sure is about the Plague, no, not that one, the other one.

no way is this ever gonna be the best movie with that title when "Halloween 3" exists

witch hunts kinda still what people do, you just can't get away with the hangings and the drownings and the burnings so much any more

really selling the crusades as "300" for conservative america here

doing crusades at people who've "sinned against Christ" is the 1334 AD equivalent of yelling online about what the american founding fathers would think of our horrible cellular telephones

coming home from crusades only to find there's plague going on, fml

Cage does at least immediately mask up, A+, now wash your fucking hands

some of these locals have chainmail masks, might as well lick a hospital bathroom

@Alexis Disappointed that this isn't a live action Battle of the Planets movie but on the other hand, guinea pigs.

@The_T The guinea pigs would-a deserved whatever they got.

@Alexis The unexpected sequel to Girl, Interrupted.

@Alexis ngl no pressure to do this but I would love to read more of your impressions of this movie in particular

@The_T yeah I kinda wish I had more to say, too

but the only thought I didn't post was to wonder why he's called Red Mist when it's his /dad/, not /him/, who gets blown up