so, sheet of seemingly random numbers inserted into a time capsule by a creepy kid, and you can tell Cage is the only one who's gonna do something-- oh my god he just wrote "9/11 2996" on a whiteboard, are you kidding me

this is a 2009 motion picture in which Nicolas Cage googles 9/11

he gets VERY FAR concluding the seemingly random numbers are all dates + numbers of casualties before reacting with shock to his whiteboard

"The uncircled numbers are locations. ... /This/ location."

oh my god

okay well this plane crash sequence is incredible

it's also very dumb in a very stupid movie but still, dumb credit where dumb credit's due

*dramatic zoom in on an online map*

*dramatic zoom in on an online map*

*third dramatic zoom in on an online map to reveal yet again no additional information whatsoever*

calling the feds and telling them many people will die gruesome deaths if they don't do exactly what you say is a great way to send an entirely earnest warning and not at all come across as a terrorist

"That last number. I don't think it's 33. I think it's EE."

okay uhhhh

end of earth
everyone and everything
everyone else
everything ends

"EE isn't just one person."

lmao I nailed it, it's Everyone Else

this has all gone a bit apocalyptic again

"[The Whisper People] have been protecting us all along, dad."

yeah well don't kidnap kids then you scandinavian metal band-looking--- oh a ufo

of course there's an ufo

i can for sure not identify the make or model of this flying object

now it's all gone a bit Close Encounter of the Third Kind

that sounds like a compliment but

This is the third time in as many weeks I've seen the main cast of a film destroyed by an apocalypse engulfing the planet, while one to three characters survive.

Dumb, obviously, but I enjoyed watching Cage run around yelling.

This download stalled at 99.73% weeks ago, but it's playing fine, and VLC tends to do okay skipping over the breaks.

Four daughters? All in the same place? Never been done before. It's not like "Little Women" didn't have four daughters way back in 1933.

"Listen, you're my sister, not my doctor!"

This older woman is presumably not a daughter.

What are the odds I'll actually be able to tell them apart before the end? At least it's a really nice HD copy.

These four daughters don't even have a bad idea, but they've got musical talent and various love interests instead. Wish they'd rob a bank or something, though.

"You and your jazz and your swing! Bah!"

how dare this Youth enjoy the Music of Today instead of the Music of Yesterday

A fellow by the name of Mickey Borden has shown up and he livens up the picture with his presence right away. Gambled away his train fare, stuck it out thumbing for a town car instead of a Ford or a Chevy, and he's /rude/.

Which means he'll probably beef it, but the odds of seeing a bank robbery have gone up immensely.

"And please, I've heard all the jokes about Philadelphia."

you can't say that and then NOT TELL ME some of the jokes about Philadelphia

"I won't marry him if you don't want me to."

very excited for the sequel where they all hate each other

An hour in, genuinely can't tell any of them apart. Which one's marrying Felix? No way to know unless they're making out, in which case it's either that one or there's an affair plot I've missed.

"Let's have some Tom and Jerry."

...this predates the cartoon cat and mouse by two years, what the-- Oh, the cat and mouse were named after slang.

rip to the one good character in this movie

I have no idea why some of these were nominated -- it's pretty obvious when it's something like All Quiet or an A Star Is Born -- but here, it must have just been a popular picture of the type of picture this is.

Or maybe Mickey Borden was just a whole new type of guy.

#4, #654, we Cage ever onwards, it's 2009's "The Bad Lieutenant - Port of Call: New Orleans."

An unwieldy title like that doesn't... traditionally... mean... good things.

Actually don't think I've seen a Herzog movie before. Well, a fictional one, I enjoyed his Antarctica doc.

This is boring, but it's not Cage's fault or Herzog's, really, I just find it hard to give a shit about stories about dodgy cops.

well this might be about to pick up somewhat, Cage is so out of his gourd on whatever drugs he can find that he's actively hallucinating lizards

like that's not inherently super interesting to me but i'll watch my man hallucinate some lizards, sure

"Hey, man, relax."
*pulling out a gun* "Tell me again to relax."

Cage hasn't chilled out since the 80s, man, we all know this

#5, #655, we Cage ever onwards, with another one I'd never put on without a reason, but in a completely different way, it's 2009's "G-Force," about a team of highly trained guinea pig spies.

I don't think Cage even plays a guinea pig, he's like a mole or something.

fuck me, this is live-action??

(well with animated guinea pigs)

i thought it was a cartoon

Cage might be in this with his face and be a mole in the other way.

nope he's voicing a mole

he's doing a whole... nasal thing

don't make the penelope cruz guinea pig sexy please i'm begging you, nope, that's a sexy guinea pig

you can tell Bill Nighy is the villain because he's inventing the internet of things

what a piece of shit

@Alexis these are all wonderful points of interest and imo do a great job of capturing the movie. it's certainly an american 'blockbuster' head-empty fun splosions type ride.

@hyenikin Yeah, it very much puts me in mind of the "Final Destination" movies, if they tried to be thrillers instead of horror -- it's not a masterpiece or anything, but the scenario and watching Cage go through it is fun enough.

@Alexis There are a lot of them, though, like enough to fill the longest running live action sitcom with.

@kurt And STILL no guest appearance from Gritty.

@Alexis Yeah, it all takes place in Gritty's snowglobe so you'll have to wait until the final episode.

@Alexis They were to small too see, though.

@kurt 1933 was before microscope technology was mainstream, so most of the movie is people reacting to things too small for the camera to pick up.

"Oh no, she's died," that kind of thing.

@Alexis Jesus, I re-wrote this toot and corrected the wrong to(o).

@kurt It seemed rude too point it out when that was the fixed version.

@Alexis One time an old Japanese murder victim had put a curse on a video file I downloaded and VLC still played it ok.